Letting go

Assalaam walaikum,

I was asked a question on how does one let go of experiences that leave us empty and questioning ourselves. The stuff in life that makes us hurt. The painful experiences of rejection and at times feeling totally abandoned.

Well, I found myself there too many times. You look in the mirror and it does not answer you back saying you are the most fair in the land. You look at the cell phone and it seems to be dead. The mailman brings bills. You try going for a walk in the rain and you get mud splashed at you. You give your best efforts at work to find out that you are fired from a job. You study and fail an exam etc. etc. Even the dog on the street looks at you and turns his head. You struggle to keep your marriage steady and you get handed divorce papers.

Welcome to the human race.

How do you keep it positive. Well, we are given the examples of Prophet Ayub. He never questioned the Will of Allah subhana wa taala. Eighteen years!!!

We have to understand that each experience tells us of our total need and dependence on Allah subhana wa taala.

Letting go. How do you let go of the pain.

We have to come to terms with the fact that the particular experience has its blessings. Often, when we are troubled our scope is so narrow. I go into survival mode. Sleep. Or my favorite...I will go and eat my comfort foods..hot hot french fries with a sweet milkshake. Within a few minutes I discover I am no longer a teenage and can not handle such shock to my old system

Active faith is the answer. Salat and dua. I am a firm believer in volunteer work. First of all, you get the gentle strokes of being welcomed and people are grateful for your efforts. It helps to keep you focused on something productive. Simple good deeds.

I have discovered in hindsight each awful and heart wrenching experience I have survived has given me wisdom and courage. It has made me strong. Sometimes, I feel as if I am holding onto a branch of a tree that is on a mountain top and looking down is scary...but the fact is that I am still able to hang on; although I am dangling. Even vertigo abandoned me.

But, we are given examples of courage. Hagar in the wilderness; Mary giving birth, the wife of Pharaoh seeking clemency from Allah, our Prophet, may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, in the cave with his companion, The Prophet Ibrahim in the fire.

These tumultuous times are similar to what Yunus felt in the belly of the whale.

I love the Prophet Musa and his words are what I clutch. Allah I am in need of something good...and Allah subhana wa taala answers the call of the suppliant.

We know what the final goal is; the tests are just speed bumps on the way. You know sometimes I chase police-cars on the road. Turn things around.

Also, to read the last two verses in the second sura is a simple and good thing.

Thanks grandma I can relate to this as I'm sure most people here will. You are right, everything in life is a test from Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala but it's just that sometimes our trust in Him is gone and we are left wondering in the wilderness. He truly is all and all and everything. I hope I can follow your example of prayer and du'a. You know sometimes when we are alone in this world, we are not truly alone, as long as we have Him in our lives how could we ever be alone? This thought alone is enough to uplift us and look forward to another day if He wants us to wake up the next morning. We should always thank Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala.

Assalaam walaikum,

I ain't a grandma yet, my sons are still in high school...so I can practice chasing cops a little longer...

I am quite satisfied with the title aapa..( desi for older sister )

( I do talk to my mirror occasionally).

The more we let go the wider the horizon ....I am trying to convince my sons to drive with me to Montana...I want to drive 120 mph and wink at a cop as I drive by in my hijab.

The daily practice of the faith is the sword of defense in this world.

Ok Dr. Aapa it's just that you keep telling us that your are old and old to me is over 70+

"The daily practice of the faith is the sword of defense in this world". Ameen. The closer we get to Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala the further we are from shaytaan.

We have to remember that whatever we were given to handle wasn't more than what we could have burdened and that Allah allmighty knows us more than we know ourselves and that he is always closest to us and that he is here to forgive us if we ask. My only problem is consistency but insha allah I will be patient and "The daily practice of the faith is the sword of defense in this world" is very very true. thanks

:salam2:

Good post, and thank Allah when faith is what writes the life of one, with its rejections, trials and empty times. When at my rainy times of getting splashed by mud, I will remember that a sister also could be getting the same splash, then I will have a smile and a prayer for two..., not only me...that's how Lord has made hearts of believers complete, by feeling for the other not just your own self. Liked to read it... Have good one, and yeah cops don't drive me as much anymore. Remember the adds "Police force needed. No training no problem, we train. 17$/hr. Anyone welcome..." Phuf, police and cops like these are everyday goers...

We salam

Abu Darda (Radi Allahu 'anhu) said:

"I love three things that are hateful to people:
'I love poverty, sickness, and death.

I love them because:

?-poverty is humility,
?-sickness is expiation for sins &
?-death results in a meeting with Allah.'

••?"But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not." [2:216]

:salam2:

I think that all that we are going through in our life is meant to reminde us that we are poor, helpless, lonely , weak without Allah' help, richness, power......... The moment We realise our absolute poverty and Allah ' complete richness , our true weakness and Allah is القوي العزيز ........we own nothing , we can do nothing ........when our heart depend totally on Allah subhanahu wa taaala and when we trust our creator sincerely ......When the truth of Quran shines in our hearts............. when our slavery is clear victory is near.

I don't know why but this just came into my head.

Muhsin Khan

And He gave you of all that you asked for, and if you count the Blessings of Allah, never will you be able to count them. Verily! Man is indeed an extreme wrong-doer, - a disbeliever (an extreme ingrate, denies Allah's Blessings by disbelief, and by worshipping others besides Allah, and by disobeying Allah and His Prophet Muhammad SAW).
14:34

a_stranger said:

:salam2:

I think that all that we are going through in our life is meant to reminde us that we are poor, helpless, lonely , weak without Allah' help, richness, power......... The moment We realise our absolute poverty and Allah ' complete richness , our true weakness and Allah is القوي العزيز ........we own nothing , we can do nothing ........when our heart depend totally on Allah subhanahu wa taaala and when we trust our creator sincerely ......When the truth of Quran shines in our hearts............. when our slavery is clear victory is near.

Click to expand...

~~~~
when our slavery is clear victory is near~~~

Ma Shaa ALLAH

shukran.

JazakAllah Khayr Sister Aapa for the post and everyone who has commented has given great points.
It really is an amazing feeling submitting to Allah. Actually this is the first time in my life that I have truely done that (well its the most I have done - still have a LONG way to go).
I understand that Allah tests us and for me, if I had not gone through my recent trial, I would not be in this position of attaining mercy and trying to bring myself closer to Allah.
But I have one more quesion which really wasn't adressed... We are human beings, we have this attachment, we have emotions that sometimes we cant explain why are so strong. We sometimes get ourselves "into a rut" and like to stay there for sometime to "grieve". We cry as much as we want when we want, infront of whomever we want and it feels good. Prayer and dua gets us out of this. Prayer for strength and patience. Prayer for the ability to understand WHY. And Allah accepts our sincere prayers... But when we look in our hands and realise that this trial has taken everything away from us then we look behind us and see that ALL that we gave has evaporated. HOW do we get over that? For example, we get married, we live our everyday serving, loving that one person. giving, giving, giving until we realise that nothing is coming back in return and we are left with nothing. How do you get over the fact that you gave so much and nothing was appreciated and now you are left with nothing. How do you stop thinking "I did so much for him/her"...? We are human, even if our intentions were sincere and we expected nothing in return when we gave, we still do expect at least kindness. How do you stop thinking this way?
If anyone has personal experience in this, it would be really helpful.

JazakAllah Khayr.

Assalaam walaikum,

The passage of time. Trust me I have gone through what I call the why me syndrome. You love and give and give and love and forgive and the cycle doesn't stop and there you are empty.

You know what I learned from those experiences...I had put too much into it.
You know what is good about having empty hands...the ability to gain more. The fact that you are alone and the significant other is no more does not diminish who you are.

The fact that my husband walked out the door does not make me any less attractive, intelligent,kind, loving, giving, spiritual. It was not what he wanted out of life. That did not minimize my existence. It required me to as they say tighten the belt and go into survival mode. I found myself the head of a household and had to work hard at keeping my little family alive.

But, those changes made me grow. Each day I found something to delight in. I made my home welcoming to my sisters. I started to redefine who I was and a stronger woman emerged. I did not look at this as a denial of my being.

The world got larger once again and the possibilities of what I can do are endless.

Sister, I only have one chance at life. I love life. This is the gift that Allah subhana wa taala has given me. I am going to relish it; every moment; InshaAllah, I will be able to do one good deed to please Allah.

Besides, now I can dream of mrmadejustforme..each misfortune just revives the dream that Which is With Allah is Better.

I am not the one who lost out. There is a fantastic world out there. Cakes to taste, people to meet, sights to see, knowledge to gain, the joy of wanting grandchildren in the next decade, and if I ever remarry I want a honeymoon to the South Pole.

I pray this brought a smile to your face.

:salam2: dear sister finding light

I shall explain the cure Islam suggest for that . I know it is not easy all the times , but it helps a lot : whatever we do something good let it be for Allah subhanahu wa taaala ..........plainly for Allah ......even when the wife serves her husband or her child ......she is not seeking anything from them but seeking Allah 's pleasure and Janna. I know it is not easy our self demands something.....but may be this day is the final day in my life why not make something completely for the one who created me....?.. the more we let this idea governs our life the more we feel rest in our hearts. And Allah knows best

Aapa said:

Assalaam walaikum,

The passage of time. Trust me I have gone through what I call the why me syndrome. You love and give and give and love and forgive and the cycle doesn't stop and there you are empty.

You know what I learned from those experiences...I had put too much into it.
You know what is good about having empty hands...the ability to gain more. The fact that you are alone and the significant other is no more does not diminish who you are.

The fact that my husband walked out the door does not make me any less attractive, intelligent,kind, loving, giving, spiritual. It was not what he wanted out of life. That did not minimize my existence. It required me to as they say tighten the belt and go into survival mode. I found myself the head of a household and had to work hard at keeping my little family alive.

But, those changes made me grow. Each day I found something to delight in. I made my home welcoming to my sisters. I started to redefine who I was and a stronger woman emerged. I did not look at this as a denial of my being.

The world got larger once again and the possibilities of what I can do are endless.

Sister, I only have one chance at life. I love life. This is the gift that Allah subhana wa taala has given me. I am going to relish it; every moment; InshaAllah, I will be able to do one good deed to please Allah.

Besides, now I can dream of mrmadejustforme..each misfortune just revives the dream that Which is With Allah is Better.

I am not the one who lost out. There is a fantastic world out there. Cakes to taste, people to meet, sights to see, knowledge to gain, the joy of wanting grandchildren in the next decade, and if I ever remarry I want a honeymoon to the South Pole.

I pray this brought a smile to your face.

Click to expand...

Do the maths sis, there are approximately one and a half billion muslims in this world so there are so many men out there. So by mathematical probability at least a handful must be God fearing and Mr. Perfect for Dr. Aapa. Men and women are supposed to have relationships as Allah Subhana Wa T'ala created us to procreate and bring up family thus ensuring the survival of the human race. However, I sometimes think that some people, men in particular including me are born worthless and useless but take heart in the fact that Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala has created out of five bad men at least one good man, right?

Finding Light's Query

Salam.

Aapa you wrote it beautifully. Couldn't be any better mashAllah! Thank you.

Finding Light: Salam. Well, i have been thinking about this all the time these days/weeks. And well, I hope I can answer you inshAllah. The thing is we shouldn't have "attachments" to things in the first place. I know this sounds a bit harsh. BUT let me do my explaining...

There's a difference between Love & Attachment. Love is selfless. Attachment may have a motive. If you love things for the sake of love or likeness, things wont be neat. But if you love God FIRST and then out of His source, take love and love His Creations, the story gets a bit different. You stop demanding active participation from the other party because you're already getting it from God.. In whatever way the creation party responds, whether less or more, it will suffice. Even if things get ugly, you'll rely on God and seek His Happiness.

I am a person who likes/loves everything quickly. And its easy for me to express. But 3/4th of the time people don't even care, but I keep it inside myself. i do not share it with anyone, and whenever the meter reaches its height, I let it all out infront of God.. And demand answers. Lol. It's not neat but then I get the answer: When you knew that they won't be good, why did you increase your expectations? Every time I get this answer. So I have stopped worrying about it.. now..

Do not get attached to things, but Love them. Even Like doesn't suffice. Just be happy with the things and see through them. There has to be an answer. And if it doesn't help, think why people act that way.. And you'll understand what troubles them and maybe help them with it.

All this while I have learnt one thing: our hearts are such huge vessels that we just want to fill them with some kind of love. And half of the times, we choose the wrong things. And these wrong things lead us to God, because He is One Thing that can fill the heart completely and yet leave space to fit other things in. He wouldn't hurt us. But will give the Love that teaches, admonishes, and nourishes. Whosoever finds that will love everything without any reason.

Another thing, whosoever reads this, pray for my exam. JazakAllah.

Waslam!

Aapa what you said is so true!

Maybe you had to go through all this for the benefit of others! Your experience can inspire your family.. sisters, kids, their kids InshAllah.

Sometimes people are singled out so that they can help their family, friends, and foes! (Oh Alliteration, got an exam tomorrow!)

I hope I am that one too. Going through all this, so that I can help my baby sisters, cousins, nieces and nephews with things that they may bug them later on.. InshAllah.

Best Wishes for you aapa, You're great!

Aapa said:

Assalaam walaikum,

The passage of time. Trust me I have gone through what I call the why me syndrome. You love and give and give and love and forgive and the cycle doesn't stop and there you are empty.

You know what I learned from those experiences...I had put too much into it.
You know what is good about having empty hands...the ability to gain more. The fact that you are alone and the significant other is no more does not diminish who you are.

The fact that my husband walked out the door does not make me any less attractive, intelligent,kind, loving, giving, spiritual. It was not what he wanted out of life. That did not minimize my existence. It required me to as they say tighten the belt and go into survival mode. I found myself the head of a household and had to work hard at keeping my little family alive.

But, those changes made me grow. Each day I found something to delight in. I made my home welcoming to my sisters. I started to redefine who I was and a stronger woman emerged. I did not look at this as a denial of my being.

The world got larger once again and the possibilities of what I can do are endless.

Sister, I only have one chance at life. I love life. This is the gift that Allah subhana wa taala has given me. I am going to relish it; every moment; InshaAllah, I will be able to do one good deed to please Allah.

Besides, now I can dream of mrmadejustforme..each misfortune just revives the dream that Which is With Allah is Better.

I am not the one who lost out. There is a fantastic world out there. Cakes to taste, people to meet, sights to see, knowledge to gain, the joy of wanting grandchildren in the next decade, and if I ever remarry I want a honeymoon to the South Pole.

I pray this brought a smile to your face.

Click to expand...

:salam2:
Thanks you Sister, Yes Alhamdulillah I am smiling right now. I just felt a little 100W light bulb go on inside me! whoohoo!!!

I am not the one who lost out.

I like that part! It is so true. Yes I am left with nothing but look where I am now in the sight of Allah. I have gained so much only because of the mere fact that THIS trial brought me closer to my Allah.
My mum keeps telling me about how big the world is and how great my possibilities are. Im still a little clouded by my grief but I BELIEVE in that world. AND I believe in love. Even if only for Allah, I believe in love.
Akh I need a hug :shymuslima1:

K-A-K said:

Salam.

Aapa you wrote it beautifully. Couldn't be any better mashAllah! Thank you.

Finding Light: Salam. Well, i have been thinking about this all the time these days/weeks. And well, I hope I can answer you inshAllah. The thing is we shouldn't have "attachments" to things in the first place. I know this sounds a bit harsh. BUT let me do my explaining...

There's a difference between Love & Attachment. Love is selfless. Attachment may have a motive. If you love things for the sake of love or likeness, things wont be neat. But if you love God FIRST and then out of His source, take love and love His Creations, the story gets a bit different. You stop demanding active participation from the other party because you're already getting it from God.. In whatever way the creation party responds, whether less or more, it will suffice. Even if things get ugly, you'll rely on God and seek His Happiness.

I am a person who likes/loves everything quickly. And its easy for me to express. But 3/4th of the time people don't even care, but I keep it inside myself. i do not share it with anyone, and whenever the meter reaches its height, I let it all out infront of God.. And demand answers. Lol. It's not neat but then I get the answer: When you knew that they won't be good, why did you increase your expectations? Every time I get this answer. So I have stopped worrying about it.. now..

Do not get attached to things, but Love them. Even Like doesn't suffice. Just be happy with the things and see through them. There has to be an answer. And if it doesn't help, think why people act that way.. And you'll understand what troubles them and maybe help them with it.

All this while I have learnt one thing: our hearts are such huge vessels that we just want to fill them with some kind of love. And half of the times, we choose the wrong things. And these wrong things lead us to God, because He is One Thing that can fill the heart completely and yet leave space to fit other things in. He wouldn't hurt us. But will give the Love that teaches, admonishes, and nourishes. Whosoever finds that will love everything without any reason.

Another thing, whosoever reads this, pray for my exam. JazakAllah.

Waslam!

Click to expand...

:salam2: Sister!
Thanks for the post. I understand all of this now... Giving for the sake of Allah was something I did have in my heart but it wasnt as conscious as it is now. I never expected anything, quite honestly, ONLY kindness. I got used to not hearing "thank you" because those are just words but I could never get used to feeling unappreciated.
Now I know. Now I will be wiser InshAllah. And now I have Allah. It is true- He fills my heart more and more each day. And I absolutely cannot believe how my duas are being answered! SubhanAllah. If I had known it was so easy....

Oh Brothers and Sisters of TTI - How I love you all!

And I will keep you in my duas for your exam InshAllah! You will do great after you do your best!